The unrelenting stress of the last eight weeks and the shock of the last two days have been replaced with a crushing misery that answers the questions my mind was screaming on Wednesday. “What does this mean? How will I be?”

I know now, and I wish I did not.

People who knew Bartleby, and those who simply observed him, most often used the words ‘devoted’ and ‘soulful’ to describe him. “Gentleman” and “nerdy” were also favorites.

They commented all the time on how constant his gaze on me was. He looked at me, and to me, for everything…How should I feel about this? Where are we going? (Even when that journey was a mere five feet, it was worthy of close scrutiny and accompaniment.) Isn’t this awesome? And the ever popular, “Can I eat that?”

What those same people did not notice, I guess, is that the gaze was entirely mutual. My life was paced by milliseconds and microscopic decisions…How will I sit in this chair since Bartleby will be asking permission to share it any second now? How will I plan my errands and adventures to include him as much as possible? Is doing X more important/enjoyable/meaningful than being with him?  What can I contribute to the lives of others? What do I need to feel comfortable and safe?

All of these questions had a single answer.

My rising and resting, my work, my play, a huge portion of my socializing, the sense of meaning in my life…these were all inextricably tied to Bartleby.

I’ve told the story a thousand times of how I made a declaration to the Universe that I wanted to wake up laughing every day. That wish was answered in a way I could never have imagined…a stubby, spotted, little guy who, without my even noticing, redefined who I am, and how I am, in the world.

I like and respect myself more than I ever have because of how I was with Bartleby.

Now, as I move through those same milliseconds that seem to grind on no matter how much I wish they would not, my gaze falls on empty space and the enormous, seemingly bottomless, reserve of love I never knew existed in me lies wanting. When I rise, there is no greeting. When I choose my next step, there is no guide. It is as if I’ve lost a vital organ.

Now, I am in the world without him, which doesn’t seem possible to anyone, not even to people who barely knew us. I have heard ‘But, it’s always been Bonny & Bartleby!” so many times in the last two days.

It turns out that ‘always’ is defined as 9 years, 9 months and 4 days. 3556 days…only 22 of which were spent apart. 85,584 hours of knowing what I was about, where I was going and why I did whatever I did.

Today, almost everything is different and that difference is dreadful. It is an ache in my heart that is threatening to overtake me. How many times will I look down, seeking those huge, brown eyes? How many more tears will I shed when I cannot find them?

Over the last two days, I have been SO comforted by the many reassurances that I did the right thing for Bartleby. I wasn’t sure in the first dreadful hours, but I do know the rightness of it now. What he taught me about love and devotion fueled my actions and guided my steps even when I felt as though I was pitifully flailing.

But, what now?

I was honorable. I let love steer me. I did the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entirely eventful life. And now, my devotion, my gaze, and my heart, are all falling into empty space.

Bartleby needs help and I need help giving it to him.

In exchange, I’d like to offer something that I hope will be valuable to you.

If you and I have connected for more than 5 minutes over the last 9 years, you know that the most important thing in my personal life is Bartleby, my beloved dog. He is everything to me…an inspiration, a joy, and a teacher…so, much more than just a companion animal.

Right now, he needs surgery…a very painful and expensive procedure that will ultimately cure a chronic infection and will help him to live a longer and healthier life.

I have put this off because his pet insurance will not cover this expense and, quite frankly, I’ve exhausted the funds available for his health care.

None of that matters anymore.

Bartleby’s body can no longer fight the infection on his own and the diseased tissue must be removed. He is scheduled for surgery on Tuesday, the 15th of November.

That is why I am reaching out today with a fund-raising campaign that I hope will be both useful and fruitful.

While thinking about how Bartleby has suffered with a nagging discomfort for years that has suddenly ‘blown up’ and become painful and dangerous, I came up with something I can do in exchange for your help.

I would like to help you to find relief and resolution through the right language.

Whether it is:

• an apology you just don’t know how to deliver,
• an effective letter of complaint,
• or a message to help someone else understand how you feel,

I can help you write the perfect letter, or script.

Whether or not you ever deliver it, the simple act of choosing what to say can be surprisingly healing.

Here, you’ll find some quick questions to get the ball rolling.

Please know that every cent raised will go directly to Bartleby’s surgery and aftercare and that I am extremely grateful for every contribution to his well-being, whether financial, prayer or just a good thought.

We are grateful for everything,

Bonny and Bartleby

Join us for a skill-building workshop to:

• put the kibosh on pulling
• develop the best techniques for getting the 2Ps and the E (hint: the E stands for exercise)
• Create a great walk routine that makes the most of the best part of your dog’s day

Space is limited, so grab your registration now.

I’m both sad and glad to report that my friends’ Beagle mix, Sassafras is still missing. It’s sad because she has been on the street since April 8th. It’s glad because recent search tracks have indicated that she is still out there. (See the latest in her blog here.)

I spoke to one of Sassafras’ people yesterday about DC Lost Pet Alert wanting to know the most important things anyone hoping to help in a search should know.

What struck me the most is that the one thing a good-hearted person would want to do to help is the very last thing they should do.

When my friend said, “Tell people to take a picture right away, preferably one with a time stamp. Collect as much information as you can about where you are. Do NOT chase the dog!” it made perfect sense in a way I had not thought of before.

By trying to be a helping hero, rather than collecting information, you could actually make things worse for the dog.

Read more about why it is such a bad idea, after the jump.

Read more on “How to help a lost dog” »

This is one of my favorite events of the year.

I’ll be joining a couple of local dignitaries at the judging table. We will put our noses together to choose the best in show, as well as best costume, best trick, funniest, smallest/tallest, etc.

See the calendar for details and then bring your four footed friends for a fun time!

Just recently, I witnessed a well-meaning dog person pinning his puppy to the ground, his hand around her neck. He used an alpha roll in an effort to teach his dog to not jump on other dogs in the park.

The puppy screamed so loudly and for so long, that I broke off a conversation I was having with a client, and sprinted across the park. I was expecting to have to do first aid on an injured animal.

Instead, I found this man, holding his four month old down, looking at her with thunder in his eyes.

Can you see the error in his logic?

Read more on “alpha rolls make sense when dogs do it” »

For years, I’ve been advocating that people leave puppies with their litter mates for at least sixty days and, preferably eighty to ninety.

Doing so gives the puppies the chance to learn natural bite inhibition from their razor toothed mates in a way that human intervention simply can’t. This leads to a soft mouth later in life and much less danger of aggressive biting.

A new study in the British Veterinary Associations Veterinary Record supports this theory and suggests many other behavior problems can be avoided by leaving puppies in the litter for at least 60 days.

The study of 140 dogs between the ages of eighteen months and seven years suggested that dogs taken from their litter between thirty and forty days exhibited destructiveness, aggression, nuisance barking, food and toy defending, neediness, play biting, and resistance on the walk.

The behavior that surprised me, but which makes sense upon reflection, is noise reactivity. Any puppy left with their shrieking, attention-seeking litter mates is bound to be better able to adjust to loud sounds later in life.

Each of the problem behaviors identified in Dr. Federica Pirrone‘s research can be managed with positive reinforcement, desensitization and distraction techniques at any age. But wouldn’t it be great if that weren’t necessary?

The bottom line: Do not despair, or give up, if your dog lacks litter education. Above all, avoid buying puppies from pet shops/puppy mills and breeding farms that sell puppies too early in their development.

Years ago, I worked with a lovely woman whose dog was behaving like the bossiest boss you ever met.

The dog… we’ll call her Prada (no relation to any dog actually named Prada)…was aggressive, overbearing and loud. Her person… we’ll call her Patty…was sad, confused and disappointed in her relationship with her beloved pooch.

“It just shouldn’t be this hard,” she cried.

While visiting their home, it became clear to me that Prada had not been given a job, or any real boundaries at all. Everything that happened in her life was based on making her ‘happy’ in the way a parent would try to make a child happy. The floor was covered with toys, Patty gave Prada the lion’s share of the bed, fed her extravagant foods and basically bent to her every whim.

As a result, Prada was full, fat and very, very unhappy. When I spoke the word ‘unhappy’, Patty’s heart just sank. “What else can I do?” she asked.

The answer? Do a lot less and change your tone of voice. Where Patty had spoken in a quiet, submissive voice, what Prada needed was something much stronger.

I asked Patty to lower the register of her voice and to speak with a louder, more clipped tone so that her dog could better hear her. You see, it isn’t the words you speak, but HOW you speak them that leads to understanding with your dog.

She shrunk back a little and said, “But I don’t want to hurt her. Isn’t it hurting to be mean like that?”

I completely understand where that fear comes from, but it doesn’t belong in human-to-canine communication.

We don’t hurt our dog’s feelings by speaking to them with authority. In fact, we make them feel safer and more calm by doing so.

Bottom line: There is no anger in leadership. Frustration and squishy boundaries don’t make your dog happy. If your dog isn’t happy, you won’t be either!

The truth is, any one of them would be sufficient. The key is to choose one and stick to it. In fact, you could say ‘kumquat’ with the same results, as long as you were consistent.

Problems arise when multiple words, spoken multiple times confuse your dog. It might even seem that your dog is being defiant or devious.

In reality, asking your dog to NOT take any food s/he finds is counter to basic canine instinct. Yelling OFF/DOWN/LEAVE IT doesn’t clarify what you want your dog to do.

Also, your dog cannot understand the multiple meanings we apply to words, nor can s/he understand using more than one word for the same behavior.

Be especially mindful of the difference between ‘down’ and ‘off’. These are the two most often confused and most frustrating words for both people and dogs. Choose one behavior for each word.

For example: off means ‘get off’ and down means ‘chest to the ground.’

If that distinction works for you, stick with it!

If you find yourself fumbling and forgetting the ‘right’ words, try getting your meaning across without words.

Body language is much more effective to your dog’s way of thinking.

All creatures respond to rewarded behaviors. Figure out what you want your dog to do and reward that while avoiding rewards for unwanted behavior.

Keep in mind that your voice, touch, attention, food, games and toys are all rewards.

Even yelling is rewarding!

Practice unwavering leadership every day, especially on your walk. The energy you’re projecting internally is the message you’re sending to your dog.

If you want calm, DO calming things. If you need self-control from your dog, BE an example of self-control to your dog.